A Love That Says No....

I find myself in a wonderful place now. Why? Because I found the courage to say no.
Even though, the thing being offered to me was what I wanted more than anything else.
A struggle between what I want, what I need, how I feel, who I am, damn what about me.

Yet the love in me says no. Why can’t I let go and just be? Free from this pain inside of me. But oh what shall I do, when society says, you can’t, your not, go back. Hell you’re going through what you’re going through because you are a woman who is black.

Wanting to hate and kill somebody, anybody, because why me? I didn’t ask for this, No this can’t be. Although it’s the only reality I can see.

God is this all You have for me?

When upon asking, God reveals purpose is what I have for thee. The purpose or the reason why is the question you feel what you feel. For I’ve made you especially. Cut from the blackest of coal from a deep dark place...Hidden.

There was a process of pressure and cutting away that had to be. Oh, now I see. Now it all makes sense to me. A diamond in the rough is what I was. And at that moment I realized why I couldn’t love or be loved because the one I hated was me.

Nicole Payne